Lessons on kindness

So I took my two-year-old son to our favourite shop, a place filled with fabrics, incense, embroidered wall hangings and solid perfumes. The owner is a lovely lady who lets him explore and make a complete mess while we have a chat.

That afternoon my son fell in love with a scented candle in a glass jar. It was expensive, and I’m not that fond of scented candles, but he held it so carefully, smelling it with wide, delighted eyes. I bought it for him.

At home he insisted on carrying it around, pokes his finger into the was, examined the dried lemon slice inside, picked it up again… and dropped it.

The jar shattered on the floor.

A few fast and careful steps to reach him and lift him away from the broken glass. Him crying in despair, maybe not so much over the broken treasure as over the panic in his mother’s eyes. Small, soft child, hard, sharp pieces of glass. He’s on my lap now, I hold him, comfort him och acknowledge his sadness.

No blame. No shame. “It’s okay… Yes, the  candle broke. Glass is fragile. We have to be very carful with it”.

We know — I certainly hope we do — that children need emotional safety in order to develop. Mistakes are not failures. They are lessons to learn from.

But when it comes to ourselves? We are often far less kind. We reprimand, we blame, we tell ourselves we “should have known better.”

As if adults no longer need emotional safety in order to grow.

So, how about the next time you make a mistake, you respond to yourself the same way you would respond to a child?

What if you could create an atmosphere of safety and kindness in which you can explore the needs and emotions involved in the situation. 

You’re already capable of treating others with empathy, what if you learned to also practice self-empathy?

The concept of self-empathy is central to Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg. At its core, NVC suggests that all human behaviour is an attempt to meet a need. Even when the strategy fails and the outcome is painful.

Self-empathy begins when we shift attention from “I shouldn’t have done that?” to

“What need was I trying to meet?”

Trust me when I say: it changes everything. 

So how do we practice self-empathy in real life? 

Let me introduce a simple self-empathy protocol to follow the next time you find yourself mortified over something you did. I have followed it myself for so long I don’t even reflect upon it anymore. It’s just what I do in my life.

 

The self-empathy protocol

 

First: Pause and acknowledge the emotion. 

Disappointment?

Shame?

Anger?

Embarrassment?

Name it. Allow it to exist.

Second: identify the need behind the action. 

In NVC human needs are considered universal conditions required for wellbeing. Examples of needs are: rest, autonomy, belonging, understanding, validation, meaning, safety, connection.

Ask yourself:

“What need was I trying to meet?”

For example:

You overslept and missed an important meeting?

You may have been meeting a need for rest.

You lost your temper with your partner?

Perhaps you were protecting a need for autonomy or control.

You made a joke at a party that landed badly?

Maybe you were reaching for belonging or appreciation.

The behaviour may not have worked but the underlying need is oh so legitimate.

Third: Offer yourself empathy

Instead of condemnation, try something radically simple:

Say this to yourself: I was trying to fulfil my need for [insert identified need] and from that place my behaviour made sense. 

It’s the acknowledgement that you are utterly human in seeking to fulfil your needs, although the method of doing so may need some adjustment. And that’s when the learning comes in.

Four: reflect and adjust

Take some time to reflect. Not on what you could have done differently, but on how you can meet that particular need in the future in ways that doesn’t cause negative emotions in yourself, or harmful outcomes for others.

It can be about what to do in a similar situation like the one your reflecting on. It can also be something completely different. For example you may have identified your need for belonging that casues you to act clumsily in social situations. Perhaps you should look for other ways and circumstances to fulfil your need for belonging? 

When we focus on behaviour, we tend to get stuck in guilt and self-criticism. When we focus on needs, we gain awareness. Awareness is a prerequisite for growth. 

Children require emotional safety in order to develop. So does adults.

My son’s candle broke. It doesn’t mean there’s anything woring with him.

So when something breaks in your life, can you respond to yourself with the same steadiness as a loving parent would?